My elusive unknown

If only the
empty, lonely, restless feelings
would leave,
I'd be just fine!

...

Have I not given enough of myself?
Have I not done enough?
Is there more?

...

 

You know that feeling - that "I feel like I'm forgetting something" kind of feeling.

Well, I feel like I've forgotten something. But at the same time, I'm quite sure it's something I've never had - so I guess I can't really have forgotten it, can I?

And that's just it:
There's something that's not here,
missing,
and I just can't quite
put my finger on
what
it
is.

[Normally, I wouldn't go into something so vague and possibly deep in a blog like this, but it's been hampering me for quite some time now, and I just can't help but write about it. I just cannot help it.]

I felt the same feeling while shacking up in a cold dorm room at Concordia, while off to meet the world in D.C., while tucked into a tiny apartment in Texas, and now once again while staking my own claim in Tilden. It almost seems to be magnified when I venture off on my own.

It's comparable to an athlete aiming for a victory. They do absolutely everything in their power to prepare to claim the win. They pay special attention to form, plays, and getting that shot off just right. Yet at the end of a game, if that title isn't captured, it almost seems like the training was for nothing. Like they have nothing to show for it. Which isn't completely true, as a well-played game is certainly commendable. But the player isn't fully satisfied until they can claim that win, the very thing they have their sights on.

When they lose, they might feel like, "If I had just made one more free throw, if I hadn't missed that one serve, the outcome might have been different."

Where did I take a wrong turn?
Is there something I should be doing differently?
Have I not given enough?
Have I not done enough?
Why haven't I found what I seem to be lacking?
What am I missing out on?

There are a few things I think I can rule out. I have a very firm standing in my faith in God; I'm pretty sure that's not what I'm struggling with. I've always had a strong drive to complete physical challenges - and those have been accomplished: I've biked across Nebraska twice and done two half marathons (and I don't intend to stop that for a while). So that's off the possibility list. I'm very blessed to have a job, a place to stay, food and clothing, and family that would do anything for me. I've traveled and seen many places, which I thoroughly enjoy more than anything. Something else...? I will always be adventurous, but when I am, it's as if I'm leaving something behind or missing out on something deeper. 

Somewhere deep down I kind of thought the feeling might go away when I came back to my hometown, thought having some family and familiar things close would erase it. But the same feeling is still there. Still missing something.

It's kind of an empty feeling;
sometimes it makes my
head dizzy, my
arms weak, and something almost
tear
apart
inside.

It's eluding me, and I don't know what it is. Like trying to catch a cloud or attempting to find someone in a mass of people; whatever it is, it's there but seems to slip through my fingers like it won't be caught - by me, anyway.

I'm 25, and everything has been mostly the same story, no matter where I've been. Work hard, eat healthy, support others, observe life. I just have to ask the same question that so many do: 
Is this all there is?
Isn't there something more?

Guess I'll just keep on getting older, and hopefully wiser, and maybe it'll show up one of these days, whatever it is. God, I hope so, before it drives me crazy.

If I can't figure it out, I may have to leave again to keep on searching.